unpredictable.

just one week and so many things have happened at home. i signed into xanga with such a heavy heart,  thinking that i would have loads to blog about. but i realised i had so much that i dunno where to begin.

problems problems problems. seems no end to it. they just come down on you like rain in a thunderstorm. the harsh weather. the winds. the rain. the deafening thunder. they engulf you slowly. eating into your heart, drown your mind in worries, blind you from all the hopes and dreams. morbid it may seem, things around me just appears to be like that.

every phone call, every letter in the mailbox freaks me out. everytime i see them talk, frown and tear. the fear in me doubles, triples, i dunno. it just multiplies. i see no end. i never dare question my fears, perhaps because i already know the answers i'll get. i am afraid, very afraid. you will not understand how much fear there is in me.

no one would understand and i am not seeking for anyone who can. because it is awful to deal with such stress. i know i am not having the worst. bet they feel it 10 times worse.

have you ever wondered? how a piece of paper, a few lines of words, a large figure and a signature at the bottom can throw a family in distress? guess you can never underestimate the power of such insignificant things.

i was told not to cry at home so as to not add on to the worries they already had, was told to study hard and to be sensible. 

i am trying real hard to concentrate for my blocks...

but when i see maths, i think of those numbers.     

when i see econs, i think of those accounts.

when i see bio, i think of his deteriorating health.

when i see chem, i think of my lousy grades.

i worry for her. her health and the stress she has to handle.

i dunno how long more i can deal with this and keep up with it.

i hoped to have the strength to carry on.

have you had times where you held back your tears so much that you feel oppressed? cos i am feeling that right now. i promised to be strong and that i won't crumble. but i hope i still reserve the right to cry.

i want to cry. i wish for someone to be by my side. 

Outlet.

to think i am back here 2 years later, it has been a really long time. a long long time. so many images that pieced together to imprint a picture of memories, memories are like pieces of construction paper. there are colours which brought smiles and there are colours that struck me painfully like a slap in the face.

 i realised how much i have lost, mistakes i have made, how loved i once felt, how hurt i felt so many times, experiences of disappointment and satisfaction, the feeling of lost and found, the agony of bullets of life shooting frm all directions, the glory of victories, the shame of failures, the lessons learnt, friendships established and stay rooted in the heart and some that merely lost in the wind, fatigue... to think i am back from the long absence, i knew i could depend on you as an outlet of my frustrations, my disappointments, my fears, my worries, my tears...

there are so much to say, there is so much on my mind. i am tired and sick of how sometimes people disregard my concerns, how they do not appreciate my efforts, i want to stop myself frm doing things that i don't want to and i shouldn't, there is too many wants that i probably deserve. why do i have to smile when i dun want to, who is there to provide me with comfort and encouragement? i am sick of people who judge when they don't know your situation. oh well be blind all you want. why do u all always think u all are right? we are trying our best, why can't u all understand? why cant u just accept who he is, for the best of everyone? why do u like to compare? why can't u adapt? why be so stubborn? why do i waste time on people who thinks my concerns are redundant? there are too many whys, too much anger and helplessness in me. for goodness sake, bring me away frm all these!

why does Fate like playing with me? why does it like to empty my well of tears, drain me of my spirit and cut me deeply everywhere that i can feel pain? why can't i be more selfless? i dislike myself for being weak, for not being truthful enough, for thinking too much for my own good. he will never be back.   

BASKETBALL CAMP 2004

it has been four years in SC bball. time flies. every year, we have to crack our brains to come up with ideas for the farewell gifts for the graduating sec4s. and now, we are the graduated sec4s. there was so much to say, so much to tell, so much to teach and so much to learn, not only to miss chiew, mrs bowness, juniors but also to one another. but somethings are better left unsaid and kept in the heart because everyone knows wad each other is thinking.

it has been a hell of a roller coaster ride. from conflicts among each other, maturing, claiming titles, achieving national champions to combined school experience. every step allowed me to grow, learn and mature. to see things in different perspectives. to widen my horizon. was packing some old stuff and came across the newspaper article. maybe no one will believe, to me, it still feels like a dream. i was still wondering, "Was this us?" i kept questioning, was it SC? did we do this? did we win every game? did we really fight till the very end and claimed the title? and every answer is YES. especially towards the end of the season, it became increasingly physically and emotionally draining. crying in the bathroom, on court in frustration. injuries- diving for the ball, scrapping knees, more and more tapping. bits and pieces of memories of hardwork, pain and of course to the final sweet victory. the cheers from the spectators stand, jumping tchers and a bunch of us crying in relief, glory and just a bundle of mixed feelings.

everything came with a price. the pressure, not only on the team, but it has been the hardest on miss chiew. it was after the nygh match, we had this training and i could still remember how painful it was. everyone jus broke down. our confidence level fell and it felt as though our dreams were dashed. i could not even speak. i just cried and cried. back on court, increasing pressure led me to fall back into frustration and impatience. i could not find myself. only after i reached home and though it over to regain sanity. haha. i still remembered it was the day before our finals. our last official training (so to say). it was light training and was drizzling outside. we sat down and talked to miss chiew. and she confessed that she could not sleep well for the past 6months. she was living in pressure and almost fa shen jing. cos she told the other coaches that SC this yr will be national champs. it may be funny to think of this now when everything is over. but it was out of our expectations that we could actually reached to national finals.

Dreams can come true, when driven with passion. it is very true. 

it was exactly a year ago when miss chiew was talking about goals for 2004. for zone, we aimed for south zone champs and when miss chiew said that we can go for national champs. our jaws just went plunging towards the floor. it was almost unattainable (is there such a word? haha). we often talked about playing in the air conditioned court in TP and wished to play there one day. and we never expected we could. and now a year later, we talked about this on the last night of camp. miss chiew talked to the whole group of us, triggering alot of memories. and it felt as though it was an official debrief. an official debrief before leaving SC after four years. the impact was much greater as compared to graduation night. when the sec3s sang songs of us during the concert, thoughts ran through my mind and tears... i wun be seeing them as often, our juniors who always made the extra effort to come and support us. every match, they will be there to cheer, little notes of encouragement and these were a great source of encouragement and support throughout the whole season. handwritten notes on 100plus bottles - potions of love. our source of energy. in every match, it was not only fighting for our dreams, for the sch but also these juniors who supported us effortlessly. it was really heartwarming. farewell night was very well done. i am extremely touched by their effort of making the night memorable and i am very proud of them. the sec3s from a bunch of playful girls have grew to be responsible seniors that will be leading the team next yr. though we were worried, now, they have proven to us that we can graduate with confidence as the team has been left in good hands. the sec2s have also grew from strength to strength in terms of friendship and improving individually in skills. to be able to see them so wonderfully bonded, it is really consoling. that night, weishan also left us for rgs for some integrated program and the sec2s all breaking down. even cheryl who just arrived in s'pore insisted she must come and stay for the last night, to send her fren off and attend the farewell. it was a really nice gesture. the night ended off with talks with the individual levels and presentation of our homemade gifts. haha.. and of cos more tears.

to me, SC basketball has been very different. got this off from miss chiew's speech.

miss chiew: SC is very different from all the teams that i have taught over the years. it is different because it feels like home here.

i have to agree. because it feels like home.

somehow, that night ended a chapter in my life. if my life is a book, this chapter will be my favourite one.      

Crushed                                                                                                  

© rongshang

rushed down the escalator,

to catch the train.

doors like jaws,

slam shut at my face.

to find myself stepping forward,

only to be pushed backwards.

in the midst of the crowd,

i am only pushed along.

like a puppet,

to be in someone else's control.

living up to expectations of others,

in the dark shadows.

just looking for that glimmer,

but the harder i try,

the more entrapped i become.

trampled,

suffocated,

in the packed train,

travelling in

the black,

dark, 

unwinding tunnel.

only the sense of helplessness

lingered...

all has been a joke.

it's time to let go.

woah.. it has been a long time since i ever updated. aman and rach were practically memorising the contents of my last entry. forget about that entry. it was nonsense. can you believe it? our o levels are over! i mean, the time we all have been waiting for and now it is finally here. talking about the os can be really errr... yah so i shall not. haha.

well, the past week has been SHOPPING SHOPPING AND MORE SHOPPING. for prom. and my feet were totally sore from all the walking. but fortunately aman, weiling, chewy and of course xuxu made it bearable. it was really fun shopping man.. after the few months being cooped at home mugging. but IT IS FREAKING tiring!!!!! can u imagine those women who can just shop forever. i take my hat off them man.

oh and one thing. i coloured my hair. hair shock that is. haha.. didn't know it turned out tt brown and blonde. haha.. so pls don't ask me what happened to my hair. anyway, my hair is in total damage. haha.. from all the chlorine from rach's "murky and undrinkable" pool. (tt's a quote from her!) haha.. nah.. not exactly, it was actually the hair dye. so warning! never dye ur hair! haha.. now people call me 715 short for Qi Yu Wu. sheesh. but it is alright cos he is damn hot...

prom night was super rowdy. according to zeying, our prom was more loud and rowdy. haha.. but for me i enjoyed it alot. well, joy and i volunteered our services to host PROM QUEEN. boy, did we have fun torturing them? but i definitely thought we did a pretty good job accounting that we didn't even had much preparations. but we did come up with those interllectual questions.haha.. someone commented that we had chemistry! haha! JOY heard that?

but the most irritating thing is that sometimes my lipstick stain my teeth. so if u see tt in some pics, just ignore them. haha..  

and this year's PROM QUEEN was *drum rollssssssssssssssss

LEANNE!

yup.. she was so cute thanking everyone for her award. ahahaha..

i thought everyone looked really woah that night. pam was like sexy babe man.. her sexy back. *wink wink.

hahaha. AMAN didn't look like A MAN. SHE looks like A WO-MAN! haha.. though she changed her outfit which wei and i originally chose for her. she was like woah! :)

 wei looks sweet, chewy looks elegant ahah with those earrings i helped to choose and weiling who helped to pay. ahahaha.. and the scary woman at the back is of course ang jing jing buggy! and the class with mrs lee. mayping looks so different. got a shock when i saw her! but she looks nice too!

me, tuan, lai lai, MP, mrs lee, alethea, chewy, jiat and wei

stef was stunning and she really looks phenomenon. and lulu looks like Stella Huang Xiang Yi. haha.. that's like mother lihao's idol. left is leanne the prom queen and on the far right is angie the fei mao tui!

jelene streaked her hair and joy! for the first time, she was in some feminine clothes. finally.

ame was cute and we celebrated her birthday @ swensens. it was quite fun walking along orchard road at that tme with all the christmas lights though our feet were all hurting. and everyone looks great. can't list everyone here. i will take forever! 

here's laura in a dress!!!! so cute!!! and she shld dress more girly more oftern right? and huishan the next singapore idol!

and the whole bball team, not in bball gear but in yah.. you noe. with mrs lim and mrs b.

prom was damn fun la. wished everyone turned up. and oh yah! alethea's outfit is damn cool. she is jus one funky chick man. love her style of dressing.

me and rach mei. haha.. Sounds abit gross. ahah..

then, on fri was rach's party. suppose to be a water polo party and in the end, it turned out to be a "how to swim'' party. aman was trying to learn how to swim and see aman. i told u that i will let ya have the edge. ;P haha.. and the rest of the time we were pigging out on PRAWNS. oh gosh, we jus kept eating and eating. aman was like: Never mind, prom is over.

sheesh, and we jus talking and talking and eating and eating. we must be taking our revenge on the prawns after killing us @ bio prac. ahaha and i was the JAGUNG queen. hmm.. no wonder i am so corny. haha.. kk.. not funny.

but the top joke of the day, nothing can beat that man.. scandalous.

russel (rach's little bro 9 yrs old):  i wish i have a brother.

jolene: me too. let's make one.

@@ OH MY GOSH. hahaha.. jolene and russel? make a kid? hahaa.. can la.. same height. haha.. apparently, jo was trying to say "let's make a snowman as our little brother." 

yeah right. now we noe your secret desire jolene.

hahah.. yup.. this is getting real long. will update soon about sc and everything. might be working too. well, we shall see about that!

really looking forward to camp but not one bit to farewell dinner. sigh.